Today has been a weird day. I mean, I started working on stuff as usual and I felt like it was going ok.

 

I put on Decks Dark by Radiohead. This song played at the end of the first episode of Ozark with Jason Bateman.

The scene sets up with him being flustered, and scared, and backed into a corner. He has just upended his family and is overwhelmed.

He pulls over to “use the restroom.” He gets out of the vehicle and begins to trek into the wooded area.

The music starts.

It’s low, calm, gentle.

He walks out of sight of his family and goes behind the tree to “pee”.

And then the vocals come in...

Then in your life, there comes the darkness
There's a spacecraft blocking out the sky
And there's nowhere to hide
You run to the back and you cover your ears
But it's the loudest sound you've ever heard

And that’s when Jason Bateman’s character starts to whisper “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry.” And he cries. And he repeats it. Then he just keeps walking...he finds the water.

but I have rewatched that scene and have listened to that song several times.

It’s a trigger for me.

It gets me to open up. It makes me feel. It makes me sad. I told Miriam about my struggles of feeling inadequate lately. I mean, I am tired of struggling to get work, and feeling that I am not good enough to do my job.

It’s so nice to be able to open up to a loved one. I know that I can be quiet and have difficulty sharing. It’s not a bad thing, and it’s not a good thing. I think. I don’t have a hard time talking, I just forget to talk.

Also, a good cry helps. That song and scene in the movie just fucking does it every time.

I woke up with that song in my head. It needed to be heard.

I needed to cry. I needed to talk.

And that’s ok.