I am starting to realize that I am not in control of anything that I do in my life. I mean, I can go through certain cadences and rhythms in my everyday life, but in the grand scheme, it is out of my control.

This came to me as I watched Spider Man No Way Home and fuck, the Matrix Revolutions.

Spoilers ahead if you haven't seen them. Well, fuck, Matrix Revolutions is 18 years old. If you haven't seen that, then that's on you. Mainly, this is for NWH.           

There are so many emotional parts in that movie that it is much easier to be attached and not involved at the same time. Life is so fucked up that often times we rely on outside parameters to guide and gauge our emotions. Well, at least I do.

**Spoilers** In No Way Home I cried like a newborn baby with a healthy set of lungs. Between May dying, Peter #3 saving MJ, Peter #2 saving Peter from killing, and Peter making everybody forget who he was, it was just so emotional. It was a story of loss, redemption, and hope.

 

With the Matrix Revolutions, Trinity gets impaled by the rods at the machine city and slowly dies in Neo's arms. She knew the risks, but still did whatever she could because she had faith and hope in her dude.

There is always hope. Even as shitty as it may seem in our heads, and in our realities, there is always a glimmer of a better future. It really forces you to be present and not rely on the "what ifs" that life may throw your way.

But fuck, it's hard. I really am missing seeing and having a better relationship with my sons. I hear "it will get better with time", but we aren't guaranteed that time. I just want them to know that I love them and that I am sorry for anything that I have done that hurt them.

I am not perfect. I try to do my best. But sometimes, trying isn't enough. Fuck, I am rambling, but it's best to share my thoughts so I don't go crazy. I really hate the holidays.

And that's ok.

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